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  • The Five Pickleball Paddles to Rule Them All

    Somewhere in the vast, indifferent universe, a rubber ball is bouncing. A paddle is waiting. The game is pickleball.

    In 1965, three men with nothing better to do invented a sport in a backyard. They did not know they were changing history. They did not know that, in the year 2025, suburbanites, retirees, and overly enthusiastic ex-tennis players would treat it with the religious fervor of medieval knights.

    If you play pickleball, you are either:

    1. A retiree who has rediscovered your knees.
    2. A former athlete who talks about “touch” as if it is an ancient form of magic.
    3. Someone who wants to smash things legally.

    Either way, you need a paddle. But not just any paddle. Oh no. You need a paddle that whispers sweet nothings to your grip, absorbs the existential horror of a mishit, and looks good while doing it.

    Here are the top 5 paddles in the world, ranked by people who care way too much.

    1. JOOLA Ben Johns Hyperion CFS 16

    • Price: $220 (because your opponent’s suffering should be expensive)
    • Core: Polymer Honeycomb (which, disappointingly, does not involve bees)
    • Weight: 8.4 oz (heavy enough to feel like responsibility)
    • Best for: People who dream of playing pro but have a day job

    JOOLA makes this paddle in partnership with Ben Johns, the Leonardo da Vinci of pickleball, who has probably never lost a game to a mere mortal. This paddle is for those who want to dink their way to nirvana while ensuring their opponents cry softly into their towels.

    2. Selkirk Vanguard Power Air Invikta

    • Price: $250 (for those who believe victory should be bought, not earned)
    • Core: FlexFoam Perimeter (marketing jargon for “bouncy but tough”)
    • Weight: 8.0 oz (light enough to make bad decisions)
    • Best for: The “I only hit winners” crowd

    This paddle has more technology than Apollo 11. Selkirk claims their “Air Dynamic Throat” makes shots effortless. Meanwhile, your opponent wonders why their life choices led them here.

    3. Paddletek Bantam EX-L

    • Price: $100 (a rare bargain in a sport built on premium nonsense)
    • Core: Advanced PolyCore (because regular PolyCore just wouldn’t do)
    • Weight: 7.8 oz (the Switzerland of paddle weights—neutral in all things)
    • Best for: Players who still say “good shot” after getting smoked

    This paddle is a solid middle child—reliable, unremarkable, but always there. It won’t make you godlike, but it won’t embarrass you either. If pickleball had a Honda Civic, this would be it.

    4. CRBN 1X Power Series

    • Price: $180 (for those who believe in performance-enhancing graphite)
    • Core: Unibody carbon fiber (sounds fast, probably is)
    • Weight: 8.0 oz (feels serious, but not military-grade)
    • Best for: People who like “pop” but still pretend to play with finesse

    CRBN makes paddles for the stat nerds, the tinkerers, the ones who whisper “RPM” to themselves in the mirror. If you think control is for cowards and power is everything, this is your Excalibur.

    5. Onix Z5 Graphite

    • Price: $90 (for the people who just “want to play” without overthinking it)
    • Core: Nomex Honeycomb (NASA would be proud)
    • Weight: 7.9 oz (just enough to feel sporty)
    • Best for: New players who don’t know what they’re doing but want to look cool

    The Onix Z5 is the gateway drug of pickleball. It’s what you buy when you don’t want to spend more on your paddle than you did on your first car. And yet, somehow, it holds its own.